Jack has been awake less than two hours. So far his diaper has leaked all over my shirt, he has peed into the open refrigerator and onto the kitchen floor, poured a full cup of coffee all over half of my dining room floor, and dumped dog food onto the other half of my dining room floor.
How much longer until nap time?
(I started this post yesterday, but I didn’t want to go through and change the time in everything, so I’m posting it “as is” today…)
What a day!
Actually, the tone for the day was set in the middle of the night when little Jack didn’t sleep well. Matt tried. and tried. and tried. and tried to get him back to sleep. After forever (literally–from 1:20 a.m. – 4:00 a.m.) I popped him on to nurse, and he was out like a light. Argh. You know, with Amélie we had a pacifier problem. She was addicted to that crazy thing, and while the paci habit was hard to break, at least we could make the offending items disappear. This nursing addiction of Jack’s could prove to be a problem, for some pretty obvious reasons. I don’t know what we’re going to do. [Friday update: last night (Thursday night) Matt held him for an hour, then I held him for an hour, then I gave up and nursed and he was asleep in 5 minutes.]
Anyway, that was last night. This morning Jack woke up late since he had slept poorly, which made his morning nap late, which made me have to wake him up to get to my cardiologist’s appointment on time. My appointment was supposed to be at 11:45, and I was leaving the doctor’s office as a very, very frazzled mother with two very, very tired children in tow at 3:05. Just close your eyes and imagine for a moment what it was like to be confined to to a non-child-friendly waiting room for that length of time, and you probably understand why I was practically certifiably insane when I left. I did actually leave for an hour to get lunch, but still…….. When I got home I was so tired I couldn’t think straight. I was trying to talk to my mom about a recipe for butterscotch pie and called it a coupon instead; Amélie asked for whole wheat zucchini bread for a snack so I promptly made her a big bowl of popcorn instead; and I had a conversation with Michele that I can only hope was spoken in at least halfway understandable English.
And now it’s Friday, and I don’t know that I’ve quite recovered from my doctor’s office trauma. I’ve had so much I’ve been wanting to blog about lately, namely about food. I just finished the book In Defense of Food by Michael Pollan, and I have read that book feeling encouraged, discouraged, inspired, angered, hopeless, hopeful, and challenged (I think that about covers it!). I’ve been trying to feed my family less processed food, but then days like yesterday happen and I use food as a drug: at my hour lunch break from the doctor’s office madness yesterday I ate a Spangles hamburger, french fries, and onion rings. Oh, and part of a shake. Health food at its finest. Ugh. I’m trying, though. Amélie and I made whole wheat zucchini bread this week to snack on. I’ve been eating more vegetables. And I made a homemade butterscotch pie from scratch today. OK, that’s not so healthy. At least I didn’t buy a pre-made crust and a box of butterscotch pudding! Surely those 6 egg yolks are healthier than all the extra additives and preservatives…right? 
Actually, I don’t care too much. It looks awfully good, and I plan on enjoying every bite.
Which brings me to another point (I was really going to end this blog entry after my doctor’s entry paragraph, and I was going to just write a preview to my food post, but I guess I’m food posting anyway!). This morning on the radio I heard a commercial for a pill you could buy that would suppress your appetite. I wish I could remember exactly what was said, but the selling point of the commercial was that it would make you not want to eat, which would make you lose weight. And I thought, How sad!!! Eating is a pleasure. It’s supposed to be pleasurable. When we’re weighing our food and obsessing about fat grams and protein grams and carbohydrate grams we’re not enjoying what we’re eating! I want to eat more healthfully, and the thing is, I’m enjoying the tastes and textures of healthy foods, but I also want to sit down with my family and a steaming cup of coffee and savor every bite of a piece of that homemade butterscotch pie. And that’s exactly what I’m going to do.
“The Farm” IX
Wendell Berry
A Timbered Choir:
The Sabbath Poems: 1979-1997
To rest, go to the woods
Where what is made is made
Without your thought or work.
Sit down; begin the wait
For small trees to grow big,
Feeding on earth and light.
Their good result is song
The winds must bring, the trees
Must wait to sing, and sing
Longer than you can wait.
Soon you must go. The trees,
Your seniors, standing thus
Acknowledged in your eyes,
Stand as your praise and prayer.
Your rest is in this praise
Of what you cannot be
And what you cannot do.
I rarely remember my dreams. When I do, they usually aren’t all that meaningful or inspiring or important (I have a friend who just dreamed that Obama was her Social Studies teacher in high school. I would have liked that dream!). There is a dream that I had six summers ago, though, that I will never forget. The content of that dream always comes up this time of year, and this year, even more than usual for some reason, I have been ruminating on the dream. I had this dream during a tumultuous summer. The summer before had been particularly traumatic, and the year sandwiched in between those two summers was harrowing. I had visited hell, it seemed to me, and I was still in the gritty, painful process of clawing my way back. Then one night, I dreamed this dream:
I was watching a student play the piano. The shiny grand piano upon which she was playing was surrounded by her professors. As they stood in intimidating fashion around her as she played, they took notes on her performance, and their stern facial expressions betrayed the glaring scrutiny under which her performance was being evaluated. It was a beautiful piece, and the girl played with emotion and expression, hitting every note perfectly. At one point, however, the notes became dissonant. She was not playing the notes incorrectly; she had just come to a particularly cacophonous section of the piece. At that point her professors stopped her and told her that the notes she was playing were incorrect. She pleaded with them that no, she was not playing the notes incorrectly. She had just come to a dissonant point but that the dissonance would soon resolve into something beautiful. They made her start over. She again played the piece perfectly and beautifully, but for a second time they stopped her when the notes became jarring. Again, she begged them to let her finish, because the dissonance would soon resolve into something beautiful. The same thing happened again, and again, and yet again. And each time she pleaded with them to let her finish, because the dissonance would soon resolve into something beautiful.
Yesterday morning Amélie went to VBS at the church where she had preschool. The theme that day was to “do the right thing, no matter what,” and the VBS program brought in real live heroes whose very vocations were firmly cemented in this philosophy. She told me that the heroes were police officers, but unless one of those individuals in uniform has been recently promoted…I’m pretty sure she’s the town dog catcher.
Last night Matt took the kids on a short walk while I was getting dinner together. They came upon a fiesty little dog tethered to a post in the yard who ran at them yapping aggressively. Matt told Amélie that this particular type of dog was called a Shitzu. She wondered, “If Weimaraners [the type of dogs we have] are called Weimaraners because they whine a lot, then why are Shitzus called…Shitzus?”
…is so, so sick. 
He has pneumonia, and it just kills me how sick he is! So pitiful. My poor baby. He’s had a fever since Friday afternoon, so I took him to the doctor today. She listened to his lungs, thought that they sounded clear, and I think she was about to send me out the door w/ a virus diagnosis. I just kept telling her that I knew he was really sick, and finally she took a chest x-ray. Good thing, apparently, since there is pneumonia in his right lung. I’ve never seen him like this. Although I hold him a lot on any given day, for the past few days I’ve pretty much held him non-stop. Even the holding, though, doesn’t necessarily bring him comfort. He is really just as likely to feel miserable and cry in my arms as he is to cry if I put him down, but I’d much rather him be crying with my arms wrapped around him than not. He’s actually been sleeping really well at night (although not during the day), and I’m hoping that tonight won’t be any different. I hope that tomorrow, though, will be really, really different. I miss my perky, happy little fella.
When I was at the doctor’s office, something very interesting happened. I asked about a breathing machine that we had received from the doctor’s office back in February. We were told that we would just need to rent the machine, but when I called the company, they told us that Blue Cross/Blue Shield of Kansas requires us to purchase the machine. Well, fine, I guess. The charge for the breathing machine was finally listed on our last insurance claim, and they charged us $236 for the crazy thing (to be charged to our deductible). I happened to mention this to the PA today, and she was shocked. She told me that if I were to walk into an Apria store, I could buy one of these same blasted breathing machines for $30. However, since I got it through a doctor’s office, they decided they would charge my insurance that insane amount of money, and then my insurance company decided they would just charge me. This is robbery. That stupid company is literally trying to steal $200 from me. That is just WRONG! Don’t medical companies and insurance companies have a conscience??? We’re going to fight it, but we wouldn’t have fought it if I hadn’t been to the doctor today and randomly mentioned the charge. So………how much money has a medical company or insurance company stolen from you? You probably don’t know. I don’t know how much they’ve managed to steal from me, either. Something’s wrong here, folks. I’m a consumer, not a schmuck.
I figure I’d better get this post written before my constantly disappearing brain cells make me forget my trip entirely. I realize that many of you will not really be interested in my goings on in Manhappiness, so if you are one of those people, just wait until my next post, which will be about a very exciting subject, I’m sure.
So here’s the run down on the trip highlights:
Mindi: Somehow Mindi and I managed to enjoy meaningful (albeit frequently interrupted) conversation while there were eight (yes, eight) children in her home: 2 of mine, 4 of hers, and 2 extras. Now that was a busy household! Neither of us like to talk on the phone much and both of us are often too busy to email, so our correspondence between visits is sparse. However, whenever I walk into her warm, inviting home, we can pick up where we left off. I love having friends like that.
Ellen, Jen, and Baby Wyatt: There’s nothing like pizza and beer with my former library pals. There wasn’t a dull moment that evening, and it was so wonderful to meet Jen’s little baby, Wyatt. He’s so stinkin’ cute! Jack loved him, too (perhaps a little too affectionately). Jen and Roger also have this great cat, Andy, whom both Amélie and Jack absolutely adored. And while they were tormenting the cat I was enjoying time reconnecting with two good friends (and former co-workers).
Kristey, Annika, and Baby Alena: Since my last visit to Manhattan, Kristey had given birth to an awfully cute little baby girl, Alena (and I just love the name!). We got to hang out together while our kiddos (minus her baby) played in a little pool in her front yard. We had a great time catching up and hanging out.
Rachel: I spent 4 (mostly sleepless) nights at Rachel’s, so we spent lots and lots of wonderful times together. Some of the highlights………
Food. Rachel and I both love food, and we both love to cook and bake, so I really enjoy the culinary experience in the Andresen household. You would, too, if you had eaten yummy stuff like oven pancakes, Green Curry Rice Bowl with Tofu (this was so incredibly good that I’m fixing it tomorrow night for dinner), Flaxseed/Bulgur Bread, Lots-of-Ways Banana Cake, and Chocolate Ganache ice cream. I am drooling as I write.
Food Issues: Rachel had this book at her house called 101 Reasons I’m a Vegetarian by Pamela Rice. I got through reason # 52 before I had to leave her house, and I’ve interlibrary loaned the book so that I can read the other 49 reasons. I’m not completely ready to jump into the vegetarian camp (and after reading what I’ve read of this book I still don’t have a problem eating the venison I get from my grandpa, which is pretty much the only meat I eat anyway), but the book is really compelling on environmental, health, spiritual, and humanitarian (or maybe I should say “animalitarian”) levels.
Birth: Rachel was my doula, as you all probably already know, and she was also my inspiration in my quest to become a doula to help women take back birth as an empowering, beautiful, and powerful experience. We watched The Business of Being Born together, and that was just…wonderful. It was incredible to stay up (way too) late afterwards discussing the film and our “birthy” passion. Plus, we spent a lot of our time together talking about doula-y stuff, and I just loved that.
etc. Rachel and I connect on so many levels (I could go on…and on…and on…). What a blessing it was to share her home and her life for 4 days.
New Hope Community Church: I was a little anxious about going back to this church, b/c a lot of changes have occurred since I left there 2 1/2 years ago. However, I had nothing to fear. It was great to see old friends again there. It was also absolutely wonderful to be part of worship as led by Patrick. Then there was the message. Todd Stewart spoke, and his topic, “Affluenza,” couldn’t have been more relevant to my thought processes at the moment (not to mention that it’s also a hot topic that Rachel and I have in common, so it was a good thing that there was a chair in between us during the service of I think I would have elbowed her so often she’d have bruises!). I have actually been carting my sermon notes from place to place in this house for that free moment when I’d get to sit and write this post, but of course I have no clue where they are at the moment (insert collective sigh of relief from all of you who have absolutely no interest in my sermon notes!). I’ll have to summarize, then. First, I found it incredibly refreshing for someone (an all-American pastor, no less) to stand up in front of a congregation and make the audacious statement that chasing the “American dream” really has absolutely nothing to do with our lives as God has intended. Nothing. In fact, he went as far as to say that chasing such a dream goes pretty much against God’s plan. To exemplify just how sick most Americans are with affluenza, he displayed this quiz from the PBS show Affluenza (which I have yet to see). I could not believe the stuff in that quiz. Amazing. Todd said something early on in his talk that has been bouncing around in my head since I heard him speak. He stated, “What you consume will consume you.” Wow. Isn’t that true? If I spend my life in the pursuit of consuming things, things, and more things, those things will consume me (this reminds me of a quote you had on your blog, Michele, about your belongings owning you, or something like that). Then, the last sentence of his closing prayer was, “Jesus, free us.” Wow. How powerful. I really do need to be freed from the soul sickness of affluenza. After that, Patrick closed the service with two of my favorite worship songs that totally fit that day’s message: “From the Inside Out” and “Blessed Be Your Name.” Good stuff.
When I arrived home late Sunday afternoon, I walked into a house with beautifully refinished hardwood floors. Matt had sanded and refinished the dining room, living room, and office, and my floors are now absolutely gorgeous. You’ll have to ask him about the night that he worked himself out the door, couldn’t get back in b/c of the wet floors (we have 3 entrances to our house: in the living room, dining room, and office!), and had to climb in through the dog door…. Now we’re back to life as usual. Sort of. There’s uncertainty and excitement and apprehension and stress buzzing around our house. I’m not ready to write about it yet, but if you really really want to know you can email me.
In the meantime, I’d better get to bed. I have two kids upstairs who are coughing horribly. I have a feeling it’s going to be a long, long night……………
I hate allergies. I really do. And I try to stay away from allergy medication because it either a.) doesn’t work, b.) makes my heart beat funny, c.) makes me sleepy, d.) makes me loopy, e.) both c & d. What’s worse, though? Trying (ACHOO!) to have a con-(ACHOO!)-versation with (ACHOO!) some-(ACHOO!)-one while sneezing (ACHOO!) approx-(ACHOO!)-imately every 1.5 (ACHOO!) seconds, or trudging through my day feeling like a dope-(SNORE)-head? A couple of weeks ago I tried out a Zyrtec on a Friday evening. My allergies got better, and I really didn’t notice the side effects kick in until Saturday. I basically wandered around my house that day like a lost soul, stopping at times to sit in bewilderment at my dining room table with a cup of caffeine in front of me. This morning I was sneezing, and sneezing, and sneezing, but I thought I’d go for a compromise. Maybe if I took just half a Zyrtec it would take the edge off of the sneezing binges without slowing my body down to the pace of a drugged turtle. It did help with the sneezing, but I.am.so.tired.I.could.rest.my.weary.head.on.this.laptop.right.now.and.blissfully.fall.asleep. So, in a rare moment of lucidity, I decided to look up side effects of Zyrtec on drugs.com, and this is, I swear, what it says:
This medication can cause side effects that may impair your thinking or reactions. Be careful if you drive or do anything that requires you to be awake and alert.
Be careful if I drive or do anything that requires me to be awake and alert? Like drive myself to my yearly echo this afternoon? Or chase around a toddler? Or outsmart a 4-year-old? I am doomed today. Really and truly doomed. I’ve tried to compensate for my lack of energy by eating copious amounts of dark chocolate and gulping cup after cup of coffee, but it’s just not working. I need something stronger. Like a nap.
(I’m going to write about my Manhattan trip, btw, but I think I should only focus on one issue at a time at the moment. Besides, I left my coffee in the kitchen, and if I get up to go get it, I won’t remember what I was doing at the computer anyway.)
