Back from a blogging hiatus….

I can’t believe it’s been almost 3 weeks since I posted last!  I have started at least 4 posts, and I can’t seem to get past the first paragraph.  I don’t know what’s wrong with me.  So, I think I’ll just write a meandering, rambling post filling you in on what’s been going on with me.

I had my first birth as a doula (almost 3 weeks ago now!), and it was amazing and beautiful and wonderful.  I absolutely loved being Kelly’s doula.  She did an amazing job.  It was just…incredible, and it confirmed to me that I am in the right place as a passionate advocate for birth.  I have my next birth coming up in about 5 weeks.  I need to start marketing myself so I can come up with more clients.  I am so excited about this new journey! 

What I’ve really been composing in my head for days and days is a political post, but I.just.can’t.do.it.  (As I re-read this entry before posting I realized that I did just what I said I couldn’t do.  I’ve written a very political post  Ah well.)  I’ve had to think about why.  Am I a coward?  I don’t think so.  I incited a riot on Facebook.  I’ve been very open about my political views here.  I’m certainly not shy about them.  I am one pumped up Obama Mama.  And I’m proud of that.  Whenever I talk about the election, though, I get so passionate that I find myself using a lot of hand gesticulations and vocal intonations that I can’t communicate over a blog entry.  Those gesticulations and intonations expose parts of my political passion that I don’t feel ready to post here:
Weariness, for one thing:  I am weary of anger and hate.  Weary of the propaganda my dad sends me (where does he get ths stuff?).  Weary of biting my tongue.  Weary of the misleading political ads.  Weary of the toxic divisions that are slicing through the harmony of our families, our friends, our nation. 
Anger, for another.  Anger at one-issue voting, the absence of critical thinking, and the belief that a beefy, Republican Jesus is sitting up in heaven in a 3-piece suit with an elephant lapel pin (right next to his American flag lapel pin, of course).  Would I like to believe that he’s up there wearing hip Obama t-shirt instead?  You betcha (Oh, gag.  I can’t believe I just wrote that), but I don’t plan on condemning to hell those who disagree (I’ll just condemn you to 4 more years of life-as-we-know-it).  OK.  OK.  I’ll stop.  See????  I can’t help myself.  I am not being very diplomatic.  Or presidential (which, you should be the first to know, I plan on pursuing as soon as I take over my daughter’s PTA).  I am just going to copy and paste last Thursday’s SojoMail, which, thankfully, is incredibly diplomatic and doesn’t even use the words Nieman Marxist or Joe the Plumber.

God's Politics

My Personal ‘Faith Priorities’ for this Election

by Jim Wallis 10-23-2008

In 2004, several conservative Catholic bishops and a few megachurch pastors like Rick Warren issued their list of “non-negotiables,” which were intended to be a voter guide for their followers. All of them were relatively the same list of issues: abortion, gay marriage, stem cell research, etc. None of them even included the word “poverty,” only one example of the missing issues which are found quite clearly in the Bible. All of them were also relatively the same as official Republican Party Web sites of “non-negotiables.” The political connections and commitments of the religious non-negotiable writers were quite clear.

I want to suggest a different approach this year and share my personal list of “faith priorities” that will guide me in making the imperfect choices that always confront us in any election year — and suggest that each of you come up with your own list of “faith” or “moral” priorities for this election year and take them into the voting booth with you.

After the last election, I wrote a book titled God’s Politics.  I was criticized by some for presuming to speak for God, but that wasn’t the point.  I was trying to explore what issues might be closest to the heart of God and how they may be quite different from what many strident religious voices were then saying.  I was also saying that “God’s Politics” will often turn our partisan politics upside down, transcend our ideological categories of Left and Right, and challenge the core values and priorities of our political culture. I was also trying to say that there is certainly no easy jump from God’s politics to either the Republicans or Democrats. God is neither. In any election, we face imperfect choices, but our choices should reflect the things we believe God cares about if we are people of faith, and our own moral sensibilities if we are not people of faith. Therefore, people of faith, and all of us, should be “values voters” but vote all our values, not just a few that can be easily manipulated for the benefit of one party or another.

In 2008, the kingdom of God is not on the ballot in any of the 50 states as far as I can see. So we can’t vote for that this year. But there are important choices in this year’s election — very important choices — which will dramatically impact what many in the religious community and outside of it call “the common good,” and the outcome could be very important, perhaps even more so than in many recent electoral contests.

I am in no position to tell anyone what is “non-negotiable,” and neither is any bishop or megachurch pastor, but let me tell you the “faith priorities” and values I will be voting on this year:

  1. With more than 2,000 verses in the Bible about how we treat the poor and oppressed, I will examine the record, plans, policies, and promises made by the candidates on what they will do to overcome the scandal of extreme global poverty and the shame of such unnecessary domestic poverty in the richest nation in the world. Such a central theme of the Bible simply cannot be ignored at election time, as too many Christians have done for years. And any solution to the economic crisis that simply bails out the rich, and even the middle class, but ignores those at the bottom should simply be unacceptable to people of faith.
  2. From the biblical prophets to Jesus, there is, at least, a biblical presumption against war and the hope of beating our swords into instruments of peace. So I will choose the candidates who will be least likely to lead us into more disastrous wars and find better ways to resolve the inevitable conflicts in the world and make us all safer. I will choose the candidates who seem to best understand that our security depends upon other people’s security (everyone having “their own vine and fig tree, so no one can make them afraid,” as the prophets say) more than upon how high we can build walls or a stockpile of weapons. Christians should never expect a pacifist president, but we can insist on one who views military force only as a very last resort, when all other diplomatic and economic measures have failed, and never as a preferred or habitual response to conflict.
  3. “Choosing life” is a constant biblical theme, so I will choose candidates who have the most consistent ethic of life, addressing all the threats to human life and dignity that we face — not just one. Thirty-thousand children dying globally each day of preventable hunger and disease is a life issue. The genocide in Darfur is a life issue. Health care is a life issue. War is a life issue. The death penalty is a life issue. And on abortion, I will choose candidates who have the best chance to pursue the practical and proven policies which could dramatically reduce the number of abortions in America and therefore save precious unborn lives, rather than those who simply repeat the polarized legal debates and “pro-choice” and “pro-life” mantras from either side. 
  4. God’s fragile creation is clearly under assault, and I will choose the candidates who will likely be most faithful in our care of the environment. In particular, I will choose the candidates who will most clearly take on the growing threat of climate change, and who have the strongest commitment to the conversion of our economy and way of life to a cleaner, safer, and more renewable energy future. And that choice could accomplish other key moral priorities like the redemption of a dangerous foreign policy built on Middle East oil dependence, and the great prospects of job creation and economic renewal from a new “green” economy built on more spiritual values of conservation, stewardship, sustainability, respect, responsibility, co-dependence, modesty, and even humility.
  5. Every human being is made in the image of God, so I will choose the candidates who are most likely to protect human rights and human dignity. Sexual and economic slavery is on the rise around the world, and an end to human trafficking must become a top priority. As many religious leaders have now said, torture  is completely morally unacceptable, under any circumstances, and I will choose the candidates who are most committed to reversing American policy on the treatment of prisoners. And I will choose the candidates who understand that the immigration system is totally broken and needs comprehensive reform, but must be changed in ways that are compassionate, fair, just, and consistent with the biblical command to “welcome the stranger.”
  6. Healthy families are the foundation of our community life, and nothing is more important than how we are raising up the next generation. As the father of two young boys, I am deeply concerned about the values our leaders model in the midst of the cultural degeneracy assaulting our children. Which candidates will best exemplify and articulate strong family values, using the White House and other offices as bully pulpits to speak of sexual restraint and integrity, marital fidelity, strong parenting, and putting family values over economic values? And I will choose the candidates who promise to really deal with the enormous economic and cultural pressures that have made parenting such a “countercultural activity” in America today, rather than those who merely scapegoat gay people for the serious problems of heterosexual family breakdown.

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And to that I say, Amen.
Whatever your politcial persuasion, I do encourage you to go out and vote, even if, under some sort of delusional spell, you should accidentally check the “McCain” box rather than the “Obama” one.  ;)

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Oh, one more thing.  Just one.  I’m not a huge fan of whole lot of Christian music (rhyming clichés just don’t transport me to spiritual ecstasy, for some reason), but there is a song by Todd Agnew that I could just listen to again and again.  It wraps up nicely where I am emotionally, spiritually, and, yes, politically.  This, btw, is the “unedited” version of the song (not played so much on Christian radio, I’m guessing) where he uses the word (gasp) “slut” and announces that he doesn’t want to be a (gasp) “poster child for American prosperity.”

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And one more last thing (really, this is the last thing.  I promise).  Please don’t hate me.  As I wrote to my dad yesterday, “I love you…even though we totally disagree.” 

Published in:  on October 31, 2008 at 1:33 pm Comments (5)

Announcing…

…the “birth” of my new business, Sacred Journey Doula Services, and my new website, www.jillclingan.com

Let me know what you think (and feel free to offer suggestions or point out typos)!.

Published in:  on October 11, 2008 at 10:24 am Comments (2)

the week that was

I’ve been itching to get a new post up all week, and I’ve actually started two of them, but I never finished.  Such has been my week!

At least it’s not last week, though, right?  Yesterday I was telling someone about Jack’s accident and I said, “Last Monday Jack…” and I thought to myself last Monday???  It just seems like forever ago.  Jack is doing wonderfully.  I am doing much better, too, although every once in awhile I get heart-squeezing flashbacks of the moment after he fell, and then my overactive imagination goes into overdrive and starts imagining things that could happen.  I need to come up with some sort of thought-kickboxing-move to kick those thoughts away.  I know they do me absolutely no good. 
Thanks, one more time, for the love, prayers, e-mails, texts, phone calls, the PTSD brownies (Pam), and the incredibly delicious dinner (Patrick, Lindsey, and Sydney).  It’s great to have wonderful friends!!

We had another interesting thing happen last week.  Matt turned down a contract-to-hire job offer.  It wouldn’t be that big of a deal, I suppose, if that job offer did not include a 50% raise.  Yes, that’s a fifty.  5-0.  The money would have been incredibly nice.  No more profuse sweating as the numbers add up at the grocery store.  No more Mylanta-chugging while paying bills.  No more heavy sighs while writing out a mortgage check for a house we aren’t even living in.  We just didn’t feel right about it, though.  First, it’s a contract position, which means no absolute guarantee that a job would be offered at the end of the contract.  Second, it wasn’t really something Matt would have been terribly excited about doing.  Third, we’ve been only doing this work-at-home thing for 2 months, and I don’t think any of us are ready to give that up yet.  Matt has lunch with us almost every day.  He gets hugs and kisses from 2 cute kids when he comes downstairs for coffee refills.  Some things really are priceless.  We know that this setup is probably temporary.  But we just aren’t ready to move on yet.  In the meantime, it’s lowering the house listing price again and grocery shopping at Aldi’s and working my way through 101 creative ways to cook beans (mmmm…like that red beans and coconut rice recipe I shared awhile ago.  That’s a pleasant way to cook beans!).  ;)

In other news, my client (ahem, you know who you are) has not had her baby yet.  She’s due on Sunday, and I am just so, so excited to be her doula.  So, um, any day now (any minute now…any second now…)….  ;)   I also have another doula client!  Woo-hoo!  I met the couple today, and I just can’t wait to be their doula! 

I think that’s all the newsy news I have to share.  Hope you all have a great weekend.

Published in:  on October 10, 2008 at 3:02 pm Leave a Comment

clarification

So there were a couple of recent comments (from Paul and Teason) that totally confused me.  “Amélie with blonde hair?”  “Who says pigtails are just for girls?”  I was REALLY, REALLY confused.  Until I looked at the following picture which shows Jack with BEDHEAD, folks, not pigtails.  :)

Published in:  on October 3, 2008 at 3:53 pm Comments (7)

hospital pictures

Here are the promised pictures.  They are from “day 2″ at the hospital, and by that time Jack was happy and spunky and ready to get out of his little PICU room.  Pictures from “day 1″ would certainly have not been so cute and perky.  The CAT scan picture was from his second scan at 4:00 on Tuesday morning, and he was a little loopy while under the influence of some drug I wish I could have snagged. 

Even though these pictures are fairly happy ones, I have a hard time looking at them.  The main word I think of when I think about Monday is “horror.”  Tonight as I was rocking him, kissing the top of his blond little head, and thanking God over and over for the gift of him, I just kept trying to shake the image out of my mind that moment when I thought I had lost him forever.  I also thought back to that moment when I was carrying him down the hall to his first CAT scan and he was stroking my hair and I thought to myself, “Even if he has brain damage, at least he is still loving and affectionate.  If my baby can still lovingly stroke my hair like this, I can be OK.”  Then, later, when he smiled at me, I thought again, “Even if he’s not the same little boy he was this morning, at least he can smile at me.  I love that smile.  If I can see that smile, I’ll be OK.”  Now I just look at my perfect little boy in absolute wonder.  I love him.  I know you all know that already, and I certainly knew it as well, but you’ve got to understand, I thought I had lost him, and I didn’t.  He’s alive.  He’s babbling and laughing and trying at every possible opportunity to engage in the very dangerous activities he has been strictly ordered not to participate in.  I have suddenly become a Hellicopter Mama, but that’s OK.  I’m just so happy to be his mama. 

Enjoy the pictures, and feel free to stop by anytime and kiss the top of his cute head.


Jack’s 2nd CAT scan


Before the second CAT scan (or maybe after–I can’t remember)


I may be falling out of my hosital gown, but I don’t even care!


Vroom.  Vroom.  (His arm wasn’t injured, btw.  The nurses wrapped up his arm so he wouldn’t yank out the IV)


A view of the hardest, noisiest crib ever.


I love my Papa.


I love my Nana too.


I love those eyes.


I just can’t quit kissing that head.


I am ready to go HOME!


I rule the PICU!

Published in:  on October 2, 2008 at 7:51 pm Comments (6)

The scariest day of my life

I think a lot of you already know at least part of our scary story from Monday, but here are the details.  I am just writing fast to get it out–there was nothing poetic about our experience, so I’m not even trying to write “well.”  (Why do I feel like I need to make that disclaimer?!)  First, though, I want to thank ALL of you who e-mailed, texted, called, or commented on Facebook offering your love, support, prayers, and offers of help.  We really, really appreciate you all.  Wow.  What a blessing that was. 

So here’s what happened.  On Monday morning I left to go get Amélie from kindergarten, but I left Jack at home because he was still napping.  By the time we got home, he was awake with Daddy and the dogs on our side deck.  As we walked up the steps there was a lot of excitement and commotion (big sis coming home from school is a big deal–every day), and Jack just stepped backwards…off of the deck and onto the cement below.  He landed on his back, and I immediately screamed and absolutely panicked, because as I looked at him lying flat and motionless on his back staring up at the sky, I thought he was dead.  The image of that moment keeps flashing through my head over and over again.  I can’t shake it.  It was the most terrifying moment of my life.  Matt yelled at me to go pick him up (I had not yet gone up the steps), but that little voice from my CPR/First Aid class told me that wasn’t a good idea.  Plus, I was scared to go to him, and I felt frozen.  I stood there and screamed, but I couldn’t move.  Matt got to him and picked him up (which, I know, wasn’t a good idea–we should have called 911 and left him there until an ambulance arrived–but who is thinking logically when their baby boy is lying motionless on the ground???) and then I knew he wasn’t dead.  However, he wasn’t crying or yelling.  He whimpered a tiny bit, but mostly he just stared vacantly into space.  Amélie ran into her room, flopped onto her bed, hugged her bunny, and started sobbing.  We got her out of her room, and after a couple of frantic moments (was he going to snap out of this?  was he going to die on us?) we got in the car and headed to the hospital.  I was holding Jack in my lap (again, not a good idea, but I was terrified and thinking that he was going to die, and I wasn’t about to watch him die in his carseat), and Matt raced to the hospital, running lights and speeding way too fast.  I was frantically trying to keep Jack awake because I was terrified that he was going to fall asleep and die, and poor Amélie was yelling pitifully at me whenever she saw his eyes close.  It seemed like it took us FOREVER to get there.  I just looked it up, though, and the hospital is exactly 1.8 miles from my house.  That is the LONGEST 1.8 miles I have ever ridden.  There was no real parking in front of the emergency room, so Matt let me off at the door and I ran screaming into the building.  They let me right in (God help the person who would have tried to stop me), and an incredibly calm intake nurse asked me for his name, date of birth, etc.  I was just about to hit him.  Everyone was so flippin’ CALM and they seemed to move so SLOWLY.  I was not calm.  Hysterical would be a better word.  Finally we saw a doctor (I say finally, but I’m sure it was only a moment or two after we flew through the door), and he assessed Jack’s condition and decided to do a CAT scan.  Meanwhile, Jack was incredibly droopy.  He was dazed, not responsive to stimuli (when the doctor pinched him, for example), and he still wasn’t crying.  He had also thrown up by this point, and I seemed to remember that throwing up after a head injury was a big sign.  I still don’t know if that is true or not, but it fueled my panic.  I carried him to radiology, and as I held him he had his arms wrapped around my neck and he stroked my hair, which gave me such hope.  He always strokes my hair when he is sad or sleepy, and I was so relieved to feel this little act of recognition and love.  He was very calm for the CAT scan, which  worried me.  He seemed a little scared, but mostly he was still acting very drowsy and lethargic.  He didn’t know (or care) where he was, and he didn’t even seem to know who we were.  I was able to be there with him during the scan, and as the machine took pictures of his brain I sang to him.  Jack’s middle name is David, after my grandpa, and my grandpa’s favorite hymn is “Day by Day.”  Ever since he was born I have sung that song to him to help him relax to go to sleep or whenever he is scared or hurt.  I got as close to him as possible and sang, and the familiar tune and familiar voice seemed to comfort him.  After the CAT scan, the doctor told us that his brain appeared normal, but that he had a fractured skull.  While I normally would be quite upset at the thought of my baby with a broken head, I was so relieved that he didn’t appear to have brain damage that I took this as good news.  He was still not acting right at all, though, so the doctor decided to admit him to pediatric ICU.  Matt’s mom came to pick Amélie up (which was such a blessing, b/c that poor little girl was so scared.  As if being terrified that her baby brother was hurt wasn’t enough, the ER wasn’t exactly the greatest place for a sensitive 5-year-old to be–the sights, the sounds, the smells, the guy in handcuffs being escorted in by 3 police officers….).  My parents arrived a little bit later, and it was encouraging to have them there.  I needed as much reassurance and support as I could get.  Before Jack went to PICU, the nurses came to put in an IV.  However, they couldn’t get to his little veins until after 3 jabs (the feat was finally performed by a nurse whose hands were shaking so badly that I do not know HOW she ever got that needle into his tiny vein!).  By the time we actually were admitted to PICU, Jack was doing considerably better.  He had started to smile, jabber a little bit, and protest the fact that he was lying flat on his back.  Plus, the poor boy was starving.  He hadn’t eaten since breakfast, and by this time it was 4:30 or so.  They finally let him sit up, drink some juice, and eat a popsicle, and that perked him up considerably.  He steadily improved over the next few hours.  He did not want to be confined to his room, so we let him wander a bit through the PICU.  The only problem was that he had a security ankle bracelet on, and he kept activating the alarms, despite our best efforts to keep him away from the sensors.  We finally concluded that if we didn’t want to be hated by the nurses we needed to keep him in his room, which was easier said than done.  Sometimes he would go over to the room’s sliding glass door, stick his arm out, and wave at the nurses who walked the halls outside his cell.  This little act was endearing to them, and those antics, combined with his smile, big blue eyes, and sweetness won them over quite quickly.  At 4:00 yesterday morning he had another CAT scan, and when they woke me up to tell me they were wheeling him in his bed down to radiology, they encouraged me to stay in the hard little fold-out bed (where I had hardly slept all night) because he was still asleep, and they said if he woke up they would give him some medicine to help him go back to sleep so that movement wouldn’t mess up the scan.  They forgot to deactivate his security bracelet, however, so when he set the alarms off, yet again, he woke up scared and crying.  I was SO GLAD this happened, b/c then I of course went with him to radiology, where he was awake and remained that way despite the maximum amount of whatever drug they gave him.  He looked a little loopy, but he knew he wanted me right there, and he wasn’t about to let me out of his sight.  Thankfully the results of this scan showed no bleeding or swelling in his brain, so after spending hours seeing doctor after doctor after doctor getting an “OK” on his status, we finally saw the head doctor in neurosugery, and he gave us his blessing to leave.  The last hurdle was to talk to a social worker, which scared me to death (who wants to be the one falsely accused of pushing their child off of a deck???), but I’m sure it was pretty obvious that our little guy was well-loved and happy with his mommy and daddy, and she, too, gave us her blessing to leave. 

Now we’re home, and I feel a bit like my emotions have been through the shredder.  Last night as I was driving home from picking up Amélie I finally fell apart and just sobbed and sobbed and sobbed.  (Thankfully Amélie and Jack were with Matt in the car, so the only witnesses to my emotional spectacle were the dogs.)  We all slept really well last night, and this morning I was absolutely joyful at the chaos of a normal school morning in our house.  I am so thankful.  so blessed.  I have never prayed so hard or so frantically in my whole life, and I am thankful that he is OK.  I hope I never, ever have to go through something so horrible again…..

(I have some pictures to post, but I don’t have time to do it right now.  I’ll try to post them later.)

Published in:  on October 1, 2008 at 9:37 am Comments (16)